8 posts tagged “toledo maroons”
The Commissioner of my fantasy football league is a total deadbeat. The season ended over four months ago, and I have yet to receive my prize money. Just yesterday, I received my long-overdue trophy. And my anger is only partly assuaged by the handsomeness of the award. It now occupies that slot on my bookshelf which was once filled by that totem of Karaoke excellence: Lord Ramsey's Cup. As I have reluctantly accepted the fact I will never again hoist in glory the Ramsey Cup, I guess I will just have to win this award next year (and the year after (and the year after)) in order to reaffirm to myself my excellence and my superiority over my peers. It will probably eventually be named in my honor. The Hotrod Trophy has a nice ring to it.
Third Place and shameful bronze: $60
Second Place and first loser: $100
First Place and bragging rights: Priceless
We're ninety minutes away from the start of Monday Night Football on this hectic Christmas Eve, and though the San Diego Chargers' defense has yet to play, I have the 2007 Just Us League title all but locked up. According to league by-laws, there's no way a defense can post negative points. And my opponent is all out of players, so my ever-so-slim four-point lead should hold. I owe it all to my beloved Washington Redskins. The Redskins have been my second favorite team since I moved to the Washington, DC area so many years ago. I've stuck with them - through thick and thin - in every occasion except when they have gone head-to-head with the Pittsburgh Steelers. And last night all those years of support finally paid off. In spades. I'm a humble man, so I'll be sure to refrain from mentioning to Dabysan that it was his favorite team's vaunted defense that held Adrian Peterson to just a dozen yards, securing my long overdue championship. A mere mention of such, especially as Daby lost the consolation game.... why that would be like adding insult to injury. And yinz know I'd never stoop to that level. Hail to the Redskins! Hail Victory!
We're not normally ones to gloat, but it should be mentioned that our mighty Toledo Maroons advanced to the Championship game of the Just Us League yesterday evening. And more specifically it should be mentioned that failing to advance were those teams run by Cap'n Crunch and Dabysan. Given that the fantasy game is a referendum on one's football knowledge - Daby's words, not ours - one would expect that they will therefore be deferring to us on such matters for a period of not less than one (1) year.
This was a difficult win for the Maroons, as we struggled through lingering nausea, grogginess, and general irritability throughout the evening. Frankly, we were ready to hit the sack by about eight-thirty. But true champions are measured by how they perform under duress, and we were able to dig deep within ourselves to find the resolve to stay up until the final whistle blew - just shy of midnight. That we were able also to overcome substandard performances by several of our key players speaks to our acumen as well as our fortitude. A tough foe awaits us next week in the title game, but we are approaching the match with our typical humility. We might win by only twenty points.
Every other week, a copy of the ESPN magazine shows up in my mailbox. I didn't subscribe to this publication, or at least not intentionally. The home delivery is included with a subscription to ESPN Insider, which features additional articles, statistics, and - most importantly - video clips of "Pardon the Interruption." Not that I mind, uh, mind you. It's perfect reading material for those times when I don't have a lot of time and I'm not particularly looking for anything intellectually stimulating. Some people compose haikus while on the can. Some download Pavement ring tones. Me, I read the ESPN magazine.
As I sit here this evening nursing my worst hangover in half a decade and cursing Tony Romo for screwing over my Toledo Maroons, I am reminded of a graphic I saw in the latest issue. In an article about Philadelphia 76'er Andre Iguodala and the particular difficulties associated with being a star athlete in the City of Brotherly Love, there is a sidebar in which twelve athletes who played in Philadelphia are ranked according to their popularity. The highest ranked football player is current ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, coming in at number eight. Current Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb checks in second to last. Now, this stuck me as curious. I'll admit that I wasn't following the league at large when Jaworski was an Eagle (I knew the Steeler players and that was about it), but my impression was always that Jaws was a decent if unimpressive journeyman quarterback. Whereas, no serious discussion of the best quarterbacks in the NFL between 2000 and 2005 that didn't at least mention McNabb was incomplete.
A quick check of statistics proved my hunch was correct. Jaworski led the Eagles to the playoffs from 1978-1980, but they lost early those first two years. And their only divisional title under Jaws' stewardship was in 1980, when they also made their first Super Bowl appearance - which they lost. He went to one Pro Bowl. McNabb, on the other hand, led the Eagles to four consecutive NFC East division titles and took them to four consecutive NFC Championship games and one Super Bowl - which they lost. He went to five Pro Bowls. Comparing career stats is trickier, because McNabb is still playing, but after nine seasons, McNabb is poised to surpass Jaworski in every meaningful category it took him - Jaworski - sixteen years to compile. Meanwhile, nearly everybody that follows the NFL understands that Donovan McNabb will likely be playing somewhere other than Philadelphia next season because he has become so unpopular with the notoriously fickle Philly fans. It doesn't make any sense at all. McNabb is a far superior quarterback to Ron Jaworski in every way. If only there was some way to explain why Jaws is so very much more popular in Philadelphia. It's quite the conundrum.
Shortly after last night's post went live, it occurred to me that there was no possible outcome of the game which wouldn't further piss me off. So I went to bed. And it's a good thing too, because I'm not sure I was in any state to deal with last minute heroics from (I can't believe he's going to be a) future Hall-of-Famer and crack addict Tom Brady. I would surely have hurt something and the most likely candidates were my television and myself, in that order. But then, as Rigsby mentioned, the Patriots are now primed to fall to the Steelers on Sunday.
At least the second of my worries worked out okay in the end. Despite Brady's sub-standard performance and a subsequent victory by the individual I thought I needed to lose, I managed to "slither" into the first-round bye as champion of the East End Boys division of the Just Us League. It took three tie-breakers, but the mighty Toledo Maroons will be resting next week and enjoying - I am sure - valiant efforts in defeat from both Dabysan's Fluffy Bunnies and the New England Patriots.
Though some may deride fantasy football as an excessively geekish exercise (and it most certainly is that), I enjoy it primarily because - as a fellow geek who shall remain nameless once opined - it's a referendum on one's football knowledge. And I daresay I am knowledgeable, finishing the regular season second overall last year and third this year. I love proof that I am smart. I'm not attractive and I'm not wealthy and I'm not funny, so smart is pretty much all I've got left.
This evening has been thus far a perfect storm of suckitude in the National Football League for your friendly neighborhood Hotrod. First of all - and most importantly - the hated Baltimore Ravens are tied with the more hated New England Patriots at the half. This is unfortunate, as my gut reaction is to root for the Ravens against the cheating Patriots. Except, I hate the Ravens and have ever since their counterfeit Super Bowl "victory". But I hate the Patriots even more these days and have been relishing the fact that the mighty Pittsburgh Steelers would be the one to spoil their presumptive undefeated season. So I have to root for the goddamn Patriots.
To make matters worse, in my premiere fantasy league, I need crack cocaine addict Tom Brady to score approximately fifty points in the second half in order for me to secure the first round bye in the playoffs. I hate this shit. I hate football. And the only consolation at this point is that the ***skins coach is a go-tard who doesn't remember the rules. That's little comfort. I mean, I already KNEW that.
i shoulda posted this last week, but i was on a self-imposed bye after a frustrating two week skid in my fantasy league and a nine week fall from grace as a steeler fan. so yeah.... it was a tough few games. i was knocked out of both suicide pools (and one had a buy-back option. i promptly lost.) and even my weekly prognosticating suffered. i've long since given up hope of winning the pool, but i still hope to finish better than the espn.com "experts." i'm in the middle of the pack at this point. with 84 correct picks, i'm doing better than eric allen, sean salisbury, and joe theisman and i'm slightly behind mike golic and ron jaworski. appropriately, merrill hoge and i are tied.
you might think i'm discouraged by this perceived setback. nothing could be further from the truth. you see, i learned recently that there is such a thing as a "dumb genius." these people are presumably unencumbered by the intelligent and sensible choices required of, um, "smart" genius status. so for the month of october, at least, i was a dumb genius. the important thing is that i remained a genius. i am sure all would agree.
incidentally - and this tidbit speaks more to my burgeoning future as an analyst than as a prognosticator - it's worth noting that some pearls of wisdom penned by yours truly back in september are being echoed by those in the media. compare, if you will, my words:
once again the ***skins and their fans believe they're going to the super bowl because danny snyder spent a bunch of money in the off-season. they overpaid for a third string receiver/punt returner, they picked up a couple of guys from the worst perfoming team in football, and they got a tough safety. okay, one outta four ain't bad.
with those of football columnist extraordinaire, thomas boswell:
Perhaps most stunning is that none of the fancy offseason additions have paid off. Safety Adam Archuletta [sic] has been benched. Antwaan Randle El is a fine punt returner but has only 18 receptions. At least that tops Brandon Lloyd's anemic 15 receptions (two in this game) for 237 yards and no touchdowns. The pass rush of defensive end Andre Carter is generally a rumor.
now, i'm a man who can admit when he was wrong, so i would like the record to reflect that i do so now: i was wrong. the ***skins did NOT, in fact, sign a tough safety. had i watched the game film that was unavailable to me, i would have seen that adam archuleta can't cover a pass play worth a damn. i stand corrected; the ***skins whiffed on every one of their free agent signings.
if i wasn't a marine biologist, my dream job would be in professional football. not as a player, mind you, but in the front office. i'd prefer to be in the steeler organization, obviously, but i'm not sure i'd turn down the offer if danny snyder came a calling. (which he should, because whoever is calling the shots for the ***skins is an idiot. they way to build a perennial champion is through the draft.) football and, um, fish are the only things i have loved since my childhood aside from my family. i can only assume i'd be as great in a football organization as i am in a marine biology firm.
so this year, i have determined to test whether i am actually as smart as i think i am. and after the first fifteen minutes of the season, the answer is a resounding "yes. duh." this test has manifested itself in two ways. (it was supposed to be three but for my laziness. oh, and those other divisional previews aren't coming. there's no point anymore.)
the first is fantasy football - and i'll be brief here because there's nothing anybody likes to hear about less than anybody else's fantasy team. this is my first year geeking out fantasy-wise, and i'm kicking ass. i'm in a league with daby and the cap'n, among others, and my mighty toledo maroons have spent three of four weeks atop the power rankings. my only loss to date was a bitter defeat at the hand of daby's fluffy bunnies the week i had to sit my starting running back. that really burned me.
secondly, and this is probably even more indicative of my vast football intellect, i am in an online "pick 'em" game on espn.com. the object of this game is simple: pick the winners of every game. whoever picks the most correctly, wins. there's no spread - just points on the board. through the first four weeks of the season, my record is 42-18. you can verify that here (look for 'kimo von oelhoffen'). unfortunately, i am not winning this particular game at the moment, but i do have a better record than every one of espn's so-called experts.
so yeah, i'm pretty damned smart. sorry about the football post. we return now to our regularly scheduled programming.
