8 posts tagged “soccer”

david beckham didn't do anything ridiculous today.  by which i mean he probably did something, but we don't know about it because for once everybody gave him the attention he deserves and neglected to report it.  i suppose it's probably for the best, because there's much bigger news in the spice world.  that's right: the spice girls announced their reunion tour.  surely there are millions of other people besides the mighty roy who have been waiting with bated breath for this announcement.  i, however, don't know any of them.  a highly scientific straw poll taken five minutes ago in my kitchen produced the following list of things that the spice girls are better than: soccer.  (see how i worked that in?  i'm very clever.  and soccer blows.)

for what it's worth, today and the past two days here on hotrod.vox.com represent exhibits one and two of why we should be looking to someone - almost anyone, really - but the brits for our pop culture diversions.  they haven't gotten it right with any regularity since the 1960's.

i know, i know....  it may seem like i'm piling on, but i am guided by a greater power here.  i have a mission.  soccer is just the worst and if, at the end of my life, i could look back and know that i played but a small role in the elimination of its great scourge on our society i would die a happy man.  you're wrong for liking it - you know who you are - and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

probably my very favorite story about soo doh nim, of all there are from which to choose, is that of the day he was holding forth on parenting in the smoking room of misha's.  i don't recall what exactly was said, but it was something along the lines of questioning the masculinity of future sons.  soo said whatever he said, and dabysan muttered not-so-much under his breath, "there's a kid that will never know how to throw a football."  soo lowered his steely gaze, paused for effect, and with an effete flick of his wrist gestured with his cigarette and replied cattily, "i can throw a fucking football."  never before in the history of speech had a single sentence so utterly undermined its intended outcome, and it's possible one never will.

as it happened, a few weeks later at the challenge of doc paradox, soo showed up at our weekly football game and as it turned out, he could throw a fucking football.  we were shocked.  what's more shocking (or not, actually) is that soo can throw a fucking football better than that of professional - heh - "athlete" david beckham, as the video below will clearly illustrate.  i just can't wait to see the ones where beckham is tested on his vertical leap or bench press reps or forty meter dash or any other empirical measure of athletic ability, really.

incidentally, has any reading in any commercial ever been delivered with less conviction that that with which reggie bush delivers his last line?  it's fortunate for reggie he's an athlete, because he's certainly not going to cut it as a thespian.  oh, and speaking of those pick-up football games, it appears as if becks learned how to play defense from dabysan.

the sports-related internets are all a-flutter (a-twitter?  help me out here.) with the impending arrival on this continent of the sixth spice girl and the requisite accompanying media blitz.  naturally, much of this attention has fallen - and negatively - upon adidas' new advertising campaign "futbol v. football," which pairs beckham with new orleans saints star reggie bush.  apparently, professional sports had heretofore been unsullied by the stain of advertising dollars and this craven attempt at consumerism on the part of adidas threatens to forever tarnish the purity of soccer.  or something.  i can't tell for sure because i'm too busy laughing.

i made my peace with my sports heroes shilling for products long ago - right about the time i learned what sports and/or advertising were, actually.  (it helps, i guess, that one of my early heroes was involved in what has become widely regarded as a classic.)  so naturally, i hope this ad campaign goes on for at least a thousand years.  seriously.  i can't get enough of it, and here's why: if i had a stake in professional soccer in this country (and thank god for me i don't), the last thing i'd want is some uppity shoe company deciding to feature some pasty british fop in a series of advertisments that will serve as a constant and very public reminder of how much better athletes are football players than "futbol" players.  this could very well be the end - one would hope - of our long national nightmare that is soccer in the united states.  i just might have to buy some adidas in honor of the occasion.

i'm tired of soccer.  i am even tired of writing about how much it hate it.  so this is it: my last anti-soccer post until the next world cup rolls around.

i have a good reason - especially this year.  soccer ruined my vacation.  i am not supposed to be in DC today.  i'm not even supposed to be in this country.  last fall when akaijen moved to the netherlands i quickly identified this weekend as a potential trip to visit.  not only would i have several days in the netherlands, but today's stage of the tour ended there.  yeah - a trip to europe in early july sounded like a fine idea indeed.

but effing soccer got in the way.  because of the goddamn world cup, airfare was out of my price range.  i checked everything; i even considered trains from england and sweden and norway.  there was nothing.  so i am here in DC with no great cycle race to distract me.  yes, the world cup ruined my holiday.  even if i didn't already hate soccer, i would now.

dabysan wrote about this over the weekend, but my comments seemed - at least lengthwise - to deserve a post of their own.

the problem of soccer is scale.  every thing (except its players) is too big.  the game lasts ninety minutes - at least thirty minutes too long.  the field, which apparently isn't even codified to a standard size, is about 100 by 150 yards.  that's three times the size of a real football field, people - with the same number of players.  no wonder they stand around so much.  and those players - they are athletes only in the most generous sense of the word.  seriously, would it kill you to hit the weight room every once in a while?

soccer apologists often claim that if soccer awarded seven points for each score then real football fans wouldn't complain so much.  that's just stupid.   soccer frequently gives us 2-1 or 2-1 nothing or worse: 1-1 scores.  that'd be a 14-7 game - at best - in the NFL.  everybody who knows anything knows the average football score is somewhere in the 24-21 neighborhood.  clearly there just isn't as much scoring in soccer.  and that so many games end in ties is inexcusable.

soccer is the "most popular sport in the world" TM (soccer fans) solely because it is so easy to play.  all you need is a semblance of a ball.  it's - again - an issue of scale.  more people may participate than any other sport, but that doesn't make it the best.

y'know... i realize i am now just piling on, but it's too sweet.  an article published on slate.com today has changed my mind about MLS.  to wit:

Major League Soccer helps spread the game by building soccer-specific stadia in major metropolitan areas. But what will really cause the game to explode here is huge World Cup success. And there's no doubt that MLS hinders the building of a decent national team. The only world-class international tournament the United States participates in is the World Cup, which happens every four years. The rest of the world competes in a massive international soccer tournament every two years—whether it's Copa America, the European Championships, the African Nations Cup, or the Asian Cup. The United States has been asked to participate in Copa America multiple times, only to be refused because of MLS commitments. The benefits of reducing the time between to-the-death competitions would be incalculable, but U.S. Soccer stubbornly refuses, saying it prefers to build the domestic league.

good for MLS and sticking to its guns.  the last thing any of us want is a soccer explosion.  it's enough to make me almost consider purchasing season-tickets for DC United.  almost.

is there anything more pointless than a bitter fan of USA soccer?  i didn't think so.  now that competition for team USA has mercifully ended, we have reached the point in world cup festivities i actually relish: the few losers in this country who like the lame-ass sport whining about our poor showing.  we've got a full weekend - i hope - of deconstructing our pathetic display of moppishness before our sports pages are liberated from soccer's icy grip for another four years.  there's a valuable lesson for the children here: you're going nowhere fast if you stick with soccer, kid; switch to football post haste.  with any luck, next time 'round we won't even bother to compete.

our long national nightmare is over.   all hail ghana for delivering us from the tedium of more soccer.  may we please now return to focusing on the crucial NFL off-season?