46 posts tagged “nfl”
The Commissioner of my fantasy football league is a total deadbeat. The season ended over four months ago, and I have yet to receive my prize money. Just yesterday, I received my long-overdue trophy. And my anger is only partly assuaged by the handsomeness of the award. It now occupies that slot on my bookshelf which was once filled by that totem of Karaoke excellence: Lord Ramsey's Cup. As I have reluctantly accepted the fact I will never again hoist in glory the Ramsey Cup, I guess I will just have to win this award next year (and the year after (and the year after)) in order to reaffirm to myself my excellence and my superiority over my peers. It will probably eventually be named in my honor. The Hotrod Trophy has a nice ring to it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry. Um. Well...
Uh. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I- I'm okay. I'm Oka- HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
Uh... *snicker* Yeah *snicker* More tomorrow. Teehee.
Look, don't let this get around, but every now and then Cappy has an idea that's not totally stupid. Sure we initially rejected the idea of a "marathon live-blog" to coincide with the beginning of tomorrow's NFL Playoffs, but upon further review - so to speak - our call has been overturned. The professional football season is too short as it is, so we best make the most of it. And we sure did have fun with the live-blog last time around. And how often is it that our favorite team and our second-favorite team have playoff games on the same day? Not often - that's for sure. Who knows when our second favorite team will be back in the post-season? It could be... well, years. We mean, the Steelers - they're there every year; they'll be back soon, for sure. But the 'Skins? That's anybody's guess. Our money is on 2017.
Festivities begin around four o'clock Eastern Standard Time tomorrow - below the video, natch. And in the meantime, speaking of the video, here's a timely clip of Coach Mora to hold yinz over until game time.
Game One: First Quarter
4:42 -- All right I'm a little late getting started. I'd feel worse about it if I had other plans for the next seven hours or so.
4:45 -- Why do I listen to Cappy's suggestions? Upon further further review, this is a really dumb idea.
4:47 -- So this is the first time I've openly rooted for the Redskins in quite a while - maybe since the beginning of the Danny Snyder era, certainly since Marty Schottenheimer was run out of town. Helping me win my fantasy league earns my loyalty for the remainder of the season. I'm cheap that way.
4:50 -- It eases my mind that they're playing the Seattle Crybabies. I love rooting against them ever since they tried to ruin my Super Bowl XL buzz with their incessant excuses and accusations. When they lose today, rest assured it will be anybody's fault but their own.
4:59 -- That was the best I've seen Shaun Alexander run all season, until the end of the play when he fumbles. Fred Smoot picks up the ball and takes off like he's just found a dildo and there's a boat full of hookers in the end zone.
5:02 -- And Seattle wins the challenge. It's the right call, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
5:04 -- And touchdown Seattle. By some guy.
5:05 -- The Seahawks, incidentally, are wearing about the ugliest shoes I've ever seen.
5:08 -- Todd Collins follows up a nice twenty yard pass with a Dabysan juice-ball. Maybe that's part of why he went ten years between NFL starts.
5:11 -- My heart is really not in this thing, in case you can't tell. This is kind of a pain in the ass when one is actually trying to watch the game, and nobody is paying attention anyway. I'd say the chance of me making it all the way through the Steeler game is slim, but that's not really accurate. The chance of me making it to halftime of this game is slim. The chance of me making it through the Steeler game is abyssmal.
5:16 -- Oh, hey! I saw "National Treasure: Book of Secrets" this afternoon. Man, that was a good movie, and it really tied up a lot of loose ends from the first one. And I really like movie that teach me something. Nicolas Cage makes history come alive. I just wish that he'd been able to work the phrase "I'm a prickly pear!" into his big freak-out scene, though. That would have been special.
5:21 -- "I'm a prickly pear!" - for those that don't know the reference - is a line from "Leaving Las Vegas". That's the movie in which Nic Cage plays a guy who moves to Las Vegas to drink himself to death. I went to see the movie on a first date. Awkward. Almost miraculously, there was actually a second date.
5:23 -- Oh, I missed the end of the first quarter. Oops.
Game One: Second Quarter
5:24 -- Things are not looking too good for the Redskins right now. That's a fumble. Or something.
5:26 -- Incomplete pass. Nobody asked my opinion, but I think that's a stupid rule.
5:30 -- Hmm.... The Redskins have been on the field for a while and through the tops of my eyes, it looked like they'd been making progress down the field. I would have expected them to be farther than their own thirty-five yard line.
5:36 -- Over an hour into the game, and I'm a little surprised I haven't heard the name "Sean Taylor" yet.
5:43 -- I though when Clinton Portis tore off on that twenty yard run that the Redskins might get their shit together and move the ball down the field. I was wrong.
5:44 -- I really hate the Seahawks.
5:54 -- Ugh. This is going really poorly. I feel bad for Dabysan. I'm disappointed so far, but am able to console myself with the knowledge that the Redskins won their Super Bowl last week when they beat a Cowboys team that wasn't trying. And that ultimately I don't really care about this game. It's not like either of these teams has a shot to make the Super Bowl, regardless of what everyone around here is saying.
6:00 -- Just between you and me, though - I'm a little concerned that the Steelers might come out of the gate looking like the Redskins. I'm nervous. And my turn on the hot seat is coming.
6:03 -- It doesn't look like the Skins are going to get the fourth down here. And they don't. I like them going for it though.
6:05 -- I just noticed the Seahawks have gloves to match their ugly-ass shoes. Nice.
6:10 -- West Coast Offense coaches are borderline retarded. Seattle had a perfect opportunity to run out the clock and take a ten point lead into the half. Instead, they ran about four seconds off the clock and gave the ball back to the Redskins. Not that the Skins are a threat to do anything with it today, but still.
6:11 -- And that's the half. I'm surprised I made it this far. I've put in a real heroic effort this afternoon, and I've earned a break. I'm not definitely pulling the plug on this train-wreck just yet, but second half updates are likely to be more sparse.
Game One: Third Quarter
6:53 -- Wow. That quarter went by fast. I missed the whole thing. Looks like I missed another Crybabies field goal, so I didn't miss much.
Game One: Fourth Quarter
7:00 -- And there's touchdown for the Skins. Miraculously, they're only down by six after Antwaan Randle El's catch. I like Randle El. I like most of the former Steelers. The Skins overpaid fr him, but I wish there was a way he could have stayed in black and gold.
7:05 -- Interception, Redskins, and suddenly they're looking very much alive. I guess Joe Gibbs woke up from his nap.
7:07 -- Ladies and gentlemen, we have a football game. Another touchdown pass - to Santana Moss this time - gives the Redskins the lead.
7:08 -- And in the midst of all that excitement was that Sean Taylor tribute I've been waiting for. I never would have dreamed it would take until the fourth quarter.
7:09 -- Holy fucking shit! The Seahawks kickoff team shits the bed, and that should have been a Redskins touchdown. Instead, they're in the red zone.
7:15 -- Oh, Jesus. How do you miss that field goal? Redskins blow a fantastic opportunity here. I'm pretty sure this is karma finally getting back at Daby on my behalf for that other live-blog a few weeks ago.
7:18 -- Hasselsuck throws another interception, and I sure am glad I'm not a real Redskins fan right now. I wouldn't be able to handle the wild mood swings. My own are bad enough.
7:23 -- Speaking of Daby, I just want to get it on record that I wish it were possible for me to share with you a transcription of the phone call I received at the start of the quarter. I can't remember the last time I heard such hateful bile spewing forth about a city, its residents, and the teams they support. Oh, wait - I can. It was during the Steeler/Patriot game, and it came from my mouth directed toward the city of Boston.
7:25 -- Well, that doesn't help matters. Touchdown Seattle. Daby claims he's rooting for Dallas if next week if Seattle wins. So now I'm torn, because that thought makes me smile.
7:28 -- A two-point conversion makes it a seven point lead. This has turned into a really good game. If you're not a Skins or Seahawks fan, that is.
7:31 -- Scratch that. This has turned back into a good game for the Seahawks fans. Whoever they are. Ouch.
7:37 -- Just when I was thinking that the Redskins might be able to pull off a quick score and have some hope to tie the game, the Seahawks leveled Todd Collins. And now Clinton Portis is on the ground. Uh, not good.
7:41 -- Over at Deadspin, the tragically unfunny Unsilent Majority is also live-blogging the game. And not to boast but he's not doing as good a job of it as me. And I even took the entire third quarter off. He's a Skins fan, so it pleases me that he's suffering about now. Yes, I am this petty.
7:41 -- For the record, I'm glad I rejoined this game in time for the fourth quarter.
7:50 -- Okay, so this one is all over but the shouting. Seahawks are going to wi- Oh, sweet Jesus, Another interception for a touchdown. Yes, it's definitely over.
7:53 -- Anyway, as I was saying.... This is going to wrap-up game one of the live blog double-header. I've found my second wind, but I'm not going to be "live-blogging" - per se - game two. I'll be posting updates. Mostly so yinz will know whether or not I'm still alive. My fragile constitution can't handle a quarter like the one Daby must have just gone through.
Game Two: First Quarter
8:12 -- Alright, I've got my tantrum towel at hand, and for better or for worse, I'm ready for some football.
8:14 -- And we're off....
8:27 -- So far, so good. A Najeh Davenport run makes it 7-0, Steelers. It may be the anxiety pharmaceuticals talking, but I'm feeling okay. And for the record, assuming Davenport is going to be in Picksburgh for a while, I heartily endorse the "Dump Truck" nickname.
8:30 -- Ugh. Nevermind. Now that the fantasy season is over, it's okay for me to hate Maurice Jones-Drew. A great kick return sets up a Fred Taylor score. We're tied at seven. I think my anxiety meds are wearing off already. How many is it safe to take during the course of one football game?
8:44 -- Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio looks like the kind of guy who enjoys porn. Oh, how about that? He is. And so, apparently, is McLovin.
8:50 -- Hey, speaking of coaches - has anybody ever mentioned that Steeler coach Mike Tomlin kinda looks like Omar Epps?
Game Two: Second Quarter
9:06 -- Daby says I'm not a true football fan and - it pains me greatly to say this - he may be right. After an initial flurry of activity, game two of our double-header has settled in to what seems to be a good football game. I don't like good football games- at least not when the Steelers are involved. This reminds me of something Cappy said a few years back during the Eagles' four-year run of futility. He opined - late in the season after a long winning streak - that he wanted the Eagles to lose a game to get it out of their system. I countered with the opinion that that's a bullshit statement and that I want my team to go undefeated for the rest of time. I stand by that opinion, and I'm feeling about the same right now. I don't want a good game. Good games are for the fans of the twenty teams that didn't make the playoffs. I want the Steelers to destroy the Jaguars.
9:11 -- And now we don't even have a good game. A Jags interception is returned for a touchdown to make this one 14-7 Jacksonville. Seriously, I need a answer about these anxiety meds. Rigsby? Where are you?
9:15 -- Fuck! Another interception. I take it back. I take it all back. This wasn't a good game. It isn't a good game. I wasn't being arrogant, I swear. There's no jinx! No jinx! No jinx!!
9:20 -- Maurice Jones-Drew did exactly jack-shit for my fantasy team all season and now he's having a career game. You can go to hell, MJD. Those of you who had 9:20 in the pool of when I would become seriously pissed off, it's your lucky day. 21-7, Jags.
9:23 -- Text message from Dabysan: "On the bright side MJD is on your fantasy team..."
9:33 -- It's a sad occasion for a football fan when a missed field goal by the other team becomes a cause for minor celebration. Still 21-7, Jaguars.
9:45 -- And it stays that way going into the half. I need to focus more on the game. Updating during commercials has bled over on occasion into the game. I need to regroup and make some adjustments. I'm going to start drinking. That ought to help those meds settle down.
Game Two: Third Quarter
10:06 -- I took a longer than necessary halftime break, just to show who- or whatever controls karma that I know that there are more important things - in the grand scheme - than this football game. I turned back to the game in time to see a Steeler field goal sail throught the uprights, so it might be working. I have appropriate perspective, I promise. I remain hopeful that in the twenty-five remaining minute Pittsburgh can overcome an eleven point deficit. I'm hopeful, that's all. Not confident. Certainly not cocky. Just hopeful. 21-10, Jacksonville.
10:18 -- Another MJD touchdown. My bottle of anxiety meds is empty, and there's still a six-pack in the fridge. This can't be good. 28-10, Jaguars.
10:33 -- I get the stages of grief all kinds of confused. I never bargain, and I go straight to acceptance. Anger is pretty much a running theme with me, I never even see denial, and depression comes way way after the fact. Even this Steeler touchdown doesn't cheer me up. Pittsburgh is going to lose this game. Call me, ladies - I'm a real catch. 28-17, Jags.
Game Two: Fourth Quarter
10:42 -- Linebacker James Harrison (aka Silverback) was voted MVP by Steeler players. I've read a few journalists and bloggers stumping for Ben. Tonight, I'm casting my vote with the team. Harrison hasn't thrown three fucking interceptions.
10:54 -- I don't mean to seem like a sore loser here (or, hopefully, a sore winner) but Heath Miller was also on my fantasy team. He posted a goose-egg in the championship game. He's got eighty-five yards and, now, a touchdown tonight. Those points would have come in handy a few weeks ago. I might not have had to root for the Redskins. Thanks, Heath. Come on!! Pittsburgh misses on the two-point conversion after a penalty. 28-23, Jaguars.
11:09 -- Ike Taylor is known among those of us who know more about the Steelers than our own families as the guy you can count on to drop the sure interception. So that pick a few moments ago - only his fifth of the year - is almost certainly the biggest of his career. And holy shit, what a cluster the last few plays have been. The Steelers went for it on fourth-and-goal. Missed. Got a fortuitous face mask penalty. Scored. And missed on the two-point try. But the momentum seems to have turned in their favor. My mood is: restrained pleasure. Not confidence. Certainly not joy. I am lukewarm. I am vanilla. 29-28, Steelers.
11:26 -- I hate football. Have I mentioned that lately?
10:42 -- All those nasty things Daby said earlier about Seattle, its teams, and its fans - that goes double for fucking Jacksonville. There's never been a city less deserving of an NFL franchise. Jacksonville isn't in a fly-over state but it fucking might as well be. Does Minnesota have a football team? Does anybody care? Minnesota Jaguars has a nice ring to it. Let's make this happen. Meanwhile, I have to root for the fucking Patriots next week. Goddamn. Instant karma is gonna get you. 31-29, Jaguars. And that's a final. Fuck me gently with a chain saw. Football blows.
Postgame
12:11 -- I just got off the phone with Daby and rest assured, we have this thing all figured out. See, the official outcome of today's games is incredibly bad for the NFL. The thing is: both the Redskins and the Steelers travel well and sell tons of tickets and merchandise. And the teams in Spokane and, uh... where was the other one? Jefferson City? uh, don't. So we're both confident that the results of today's games will be overturned. It's only right. The teams that generate the most money for the league should be the only teams permitted to continue into the post-season. Who's going to tune in to New England/Johnstown next week? No one, that's who. I look forward to live-blogging Steelers/Patriots II.
Third Place and shameful bronze: $60
Second Place and first loser: $100
First Place and bragging rights: Priceless
We're ninety minutes away from the start of Monday Night Football on this hectic Christmas Eve, and though the San Diego Chargers' defense has yet to play, I have the 2007 Just Us League title all but locked up. According to league by-laws, there's no way a defense can post negative points. And my opponent is all out of players, so my ever-so-slim four-point lead should hold. I owe it all to my beloved Washington Redskins. The Redskins have been my second favorite team since I moved to the Washington, DC area so many years ago. I've stuck with them - through thick and thin - in every occasion except when they have gone head-to-head with the Pittsburgh Steelers. And last night all those years of support finally paid off. In spades. I'm a humble man, so I'll be sure to refrain from mentioning to Dabysan that it was his favorite team's vaunted defense that held Adrian Peterson to just a dozen yards, securing my long overdue championship. A mere mention of such, especially as Daby lost the consolation game.... why that would be like adding insult to injury. And yinz know I'd never stoop to that level. Hail to the Redskins! Hail Victory!
We're not normally ones to gloat, but it should be mentioned that our mighty Toledo Maroons advanced to the Championship game of the Just Us League yesterday evening. And more specifically it should be mentioned that failing to advance were those teams run by Cap'n Crunch and Dabysan. Given that the fantasy game is a referendum on one's football knowledge - Daby's words, not ours - one would expect that they will therefore be deferring to us on such matters for a period of not less than one (1) year.
This was a difficult win for the Maroons, as we struggled through lingering nausea, grogginess, and general irritability throughout the evening. Frankly, we were ready to hit the sack by about eight-thirty. But true champions are measured by how they perform under duress, and we were able to dig deep within ourselves to find the resolve to stay up until the final whistle blew - just shy of midnight. That we were able also to overcome substandard performances by several of our key players speaks to our acumen as well as our fortitude. A tough foe awaits us next week in the title game, but we are approaching the match with our typical humility. We might win by only twenty points.
Every other week, a copy of the ESPN magazine shows up in my mailbox. I didn't subscribe to this publication, or at least not intentionally. The home delivery is included with a subscription to ESPN Insider, which features additional articles, statistics, and - most importantly - video clips of "Pardon the Interruption." Not that I mind, uh, mind you. It's perfect reading material for those times when I don't have a lot of time and I'm not particularly looking for anything intellectually stimulating. Some people compose haikus while on the can. Some download Pavement ring tones. Me, I read the ESPN magazine.
As I sit here this evening nursing my worst hangover in half a decade and cursing Tony Romo for screwing over my Toledo Maroons, I am reminded of a graphic I saw in the latest issue. In an article about Philadelphia 76'er Andre Iguodala and the particular difficulties associated with being a star athlete in the City of Brotherly Love, there is a sidebar in which twelve athletes who played in Philadelphia are ranked according to their popularity. The highest ranked football player is current ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski, coming in at number eight. Current Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb checks in second to last. Now, this stuck me as curious. I'll admit that I wasn't following the league at large when Jaworski was an Eagle (I knew the Steeler players and that was about it), but my impression was always that Jaws was a decent if unimpressive journeyman quarterback. Whereas, no serious discussion of the best quarterbacks in the NFL between 2000 and 2005 that didn't at least mention McNabb was incomplete.
A quick check of statistics proved my hunch was correct. Jaworski led the Eagles to the playoffs from 1978-1980, but they lost early those first two years. And their only divisional title under Jaws' stewardship was in 1980, when they also made their first Super Bowl appearance - which they lost. He went to one Pro Bowl. McNabb, on the other hand, led the Eagles to four consecutive NFC East division titles and took them to four consecutive NFC Championship games and one Super Bowl - which they lost. He went to five Pro Bowls. Comparing career stats is trickier, because McNabb is still playing, but after nine seasons, McNabb is poised to surpass Jaworski in every meaningful category it took him - Jaworski - sixteen years to compile. Meanwhile, nearly everybody that follows the NFL understands that Donovan McNabb will likely be playing somewhere other than Philadelphia next season because he has become so unpopular with the notoriously fickle Philly fans. It doesn't make any sense at all. McNabb is a far superior quarterback to Ron Jaworski in every way. If only there was some way to explain why Jaws is so very much more popular in Philadelphia. It's quite the conundrum.
The New England Patriots have been playing dumb (it's not hard, I know) for days, pretending they've never heard of a defensive starter on the team they're about to play. I'm still not thrilled about the "guarantee" earlier this week, but if the Pats really have never heard of Anthony Smith (that's him above, leveling Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh), like they claim, then the Steelers are in better shape than I thought, because it means they haven't studied any film of the league's number one defense. I don't believe it, but I'd like to.
Game time is just about sixteen hours away. Fortunately, I've been busy enough so far this weekend that I haven't had much time yet to dwell on the most important Steeler game since February 5, 2006. I've got nothing going on, though, between now and game-time, and I doubt I can fill all those hours with blissful slumber. I won't say I regret, per se, my bone-headed decision to watch the game with Dabysan, but, well.... no, actually I do regret it. I think the only way I'm going to make it through is to indulge in the official drinking game. The over/under on me passing out is set at twelve minutes into the third quarter. I'm taking the under. Daby's live-blog is gonna be fun!
[UPDATE: It wasn't fun. At all.]
Cap'n Crunch may not know anything about bulletin board material, but I do. And THIS is bulletin board material. To wit: Steelers non-Polamalu safety Anthony Smith said today, ""We're going to win. Yeah, I can guarantee a win." Look, I know the Steelers are going to win too, but I would never actually say so to anyone who can, you know, publish my words in a forum where the New England Patriots could read them. Other things I wouldn't say include: "I think we were facing great receivers last week too and we shut them down. Those three guys, I don't think it gets much better than Cincinnati's corps of receivers. We've already seen the best." I mean, everyone who knows anything about football knows Smith is right that Chad Johnson, T.J. Houshmandzadeh, and Chris Henry are a better receiving corps than Randy Moss, Donte Stallworth, and Wes Welker [Editor's Note: Cap'n Crunch - and probably Dabysan - believe Moss, Stallworth, and Welker are better than Johnson, Houshmandzadeh, and Henry. Naturally.], but you don't actually SAY so. Sheesh.
And as of this afternoon I have to watch the game on Sunday with Daby, who will be rooting for the Patriots out of spite because he's a go-tard who knows I know more about football than him. Who would figure that sweet, sweet spite would one day come back to, uh, spite me? I hate irony.
Shortly after last night's post went live, it occurred to me that there was no possible outcome of the game which wouldn't further piss me off. So I went to bed. And it's a good thing too, because I'm not sure I was in any state to deal with last minute heroics from (I can't believe he's going to be a) future Hall-of-Famer and crack addict Tom Brady. I would surely have hurt something and the most likely candidates were my television and myself, in that order. But then, as Rigsby mentioned, the Patriots are now primed to fall to the Steelers on Sunday.
At least the second of my worries worked out okay in the end. Despite Brady's sub-standard performance and a subsequent victory by the individual I thought I needed to lose, I managed to "slither" into the first-round bye as champion of the East End Boys division of the Just Us League. It took three tie-breakers, but the mighty Toledo Maroons will be resting next week and enjoying - I am sure - valiant efforts in defeat from both Dabysan's Fluffy Bunnies and the New England Patriots.
Though some may deride fantasy football as an excessively geekish exercise (and it most certainly is that), I enjoy it primarily because - as a fellow geek who shall remain nameless once opined - it's a referendum on one's football knowledge. And I daresay I am knowledgeable, finishing the regular season second overall last year and third this year. I love proof that I am smart. I'm not attractive and I'm not wealthy and I'm not funny, so smart is pretty much all I've got left.
