I was recently asked to compile a mix CD of Wilco songs, and I learned from the endeavor that the box office manager of the 9:30 Club is a total prick. But hey, the mix turned out pretty fucking great.
"Sure it is."
"Nuh-uh. I don't believe you."
"What's to believe? It obviously means 'the most blowy.'"
"Bullshit! Use it in a sentence."
"Easy: Jodi is the blowiest Scrabble player I have ever played."
There's little I can add to the scores of pixels dedicated to George Carlin - dead today at 71 - that isn't redundant. I mean, when a beloved entertainer is eulogized so eloquently and thoroughly as Cappy's touching tribute, my meager words are superfluous at best. But I'd be remiss if I didn't say anything....
In my younger years, I listened to comedy records almost as much as music records, mainly because that's what we had around. My parents didn't have much use for popular music (ours was the only household in America in the 1970's without a copy of Rumours), but they had a seemingly inordinate amount of comedy records. I was raised as much on early Bill Cosby and Bob Newhart records as anything else. (I recall the Smothers Brothers being pretty funny too, and there were several more that are now lost to me.) Perhaps that's why my parents never flinched (I don't remember them flinching, at least) when I began bringing home George Carlin tapes home from the local library, even though there was rampant swearing and I was in seventh grade. We even listened to them in the car, for the whole family to enjoy. I learned early on that it's tough for them to reprimand me for my filthy mouth if they're stifling laughter. I believe whole-heartedly that an exposure to stand-up comedy at an early age helped to shape who I am today, just as I believe that an exposure to George Carlin at just the right time taught me how to swear. For both, I am eternally grateful.
Three days later, we are still a little dazed after a solid week of memes. We have no idea - none at all - why memes were selected over the Question of the Day. The lone dissenter Mariser said it best. "Some QotD's are clever, others interesting, but memes are neither." The responsibility for last weeks debacle lies squarely in our court, by which we mean: we should have known better than to trust the ignorant littles with a vote. There's a reason hotrod.vox.com has been run historically with an iron fist. The littles can't be trusted to mind the goddamn store. Seriously, we give yinz an inch and look what happens. It's bedlam. As we return to our regularly scheduled programming starting tomorrow, it's safe to say we have effectively closed the book on any future gestures toward democracy. Rejoice, for the oligarchy has been restored. L'État, c'est nous.
The Instructions:
Answer the following questions.
The Questions:
Do you like having your picture taken.
No
Have you ever done a photo shoot, professional or non?
No
If you could go anywhere in the world where would you go and why?
Kathmandu, because I've never been there
Who would you take with you on this adventure?
I don't know, lately nobody
What would you say is the most daring thing to do in a lifetime.
Having children
Would you ever do that?
Yes
Have you ever done crossword puzzles?
Yes
Ever actually completed one?
All the fucking time
Pick up the closest book and write a sentence at random from it.
In addition to its electric style, the sensational impact of Common Sense - it sold 150,000 copies within three months - was a function of its timing.
Do the same with either a CD or a lyric from the radio.
I remember the Alamo, I don't recall who won ...
Have you ever tried to analyze your own dreams?
Yes
Would you put up posters in your room?
What am I, fourteen?
Can you sing?
No
Do you ever sing to yourself while doing every day tasks?
Sometimes
What's your favorite color of post-it note?
Yellow
How many cassette tapes do you own?
I don't know, about 200
How many CDs do you own?
I don't know, about 600
Ever bought a CD just for one song?
Yes
What would your perfect day consist of?
A lot of drizzly rain
Have you ever lied to get off the phone or out of talking to someone online?
Yes
Have you ever written a survey?
No
How about a song? If so, share it.
No
Or maybe a poem? If so share it or one of them.
No
Is your VCR flashing 12:00 all the time?
How old is this fucking meme?
Do you read your horoscope?
No
If so do you base your day on it?
I said "no"
Would you rather chew gum or use mouthwash, and why?
Chew gum, because mouthwash is bulkier to carry around
Do you floss?
No
Are you addicted to Napster like me?
Seriously?
How many times a year (about) are you sick?
Two
Ever been in an airplane?
Yes
If so, where were you flying to?
Which time?
What radio station do you listen to most?
I don't listen to the radio
What color are your shoes?
Brown
Was Fuzzy Wuzzy a bear?
Yes
Do you know how to play Dominos?
Yes
Or do you think I just mean pizza by that?
HAHA!! You're FUNNY!
Speaking of pizza, what's your favorite kind?
Pepperoni
What color are your eyes?
Blue
How many surveys have you filled out this lifetime?
I don't know
Describe your bedroom. Include all details.
There's a bed in it
Name one person your life is made better by.
Cincinnati Ben-Gal Brook C.
Would you or have you ever shaved your head?
Yes
How about someone else's?
No
Can you do math with ease?
Yes
What size is your computer screen?
I don't know, thirteen inches?
If you could only talk to one person online who would it be?
My co-worker A-
Name your favorite type of music and why?
Rock music, because it rocks. Duh.
Are you a vegetarian?
No
How about an aspiring actor/actress?
No
What famous person, dead or alive, would you interview if you had the chance?
Henry Ford
Which movie can you watch and say the lines along with the actors?
Miller's Crossing, among others
Name one of your passions in life.
Music
What is your least favorite time of day?
2:00 PM
Who is your favorite member in a band (singer, guitar, bass, drummer...) and why?
That depends on the band
Do you use hairspray or gel?
No
Describe your favorite meal.
Thanksgiving dinner
What color is the inside of your head when you close your eyes?
Black
Ever listen to classical music?
Rarely
Have you ever said LOL in real life without thinking about it.
No
Do you find you use Internet language when writing notes IRL?
No
What songs would be on your ideal CD?
These songs
Say one thing you learned today.
Iron Maiden has a plane
What is the best present you've ever given someone else?
The gift of my friendship
What is the best present someone else has ever given you?
Cash
So hey, what's your full name?
So hey, nice try. No way.
Describe yourself while drunk.
Witty and charming, a true friend to all
How big are the windows in your house?
Normal size
Do you wear a watch?
No
What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done with someone else?
Not tellin'
What's the largest age difference between you and someone you've dated?
Six years
How many mirrors do you have?
Two
Write one sentence you want people to say about you once you've passed on.
Karaoke to the Death, which he founded, was beloved by all.
Have you ever sailed?
Yes
How fast can you run?
6:10 mile - you mean ever in my life, right?
What do you believe in?
Whaddya got?
How long does it take you to get ready to go out?
Half an hour
Do you shower daily?
Yes
What one thing would you change in your life if you had the power to do so?
Uh, nothing. I'm pretty much perfect.
Describe the ideal superpower and what you would do if you had it.
Superpowers are over-rated; what matters is the will to vanquish your enemies.
Are candles romantic or a fire hazard?
A little from Column A, a little from Column B ...
Name something you've done in the last 24 hours, no matter how big
or small.
Drove a car
Do you wear necklaces/bracelets/anklets/earrings/rings?
No
What colors are you wearing right now?
Like, which gang am I a part of?
How often do you change the sheets on your bed?
Once a month, roughly
Have you ever gotten lost? If so, explain.
No
What's on your computer desk?
A lot of crap
How many folders are on your desktop at the present moment?
None
When you're talking do you ever use your hands to do quotation marks of certain words?
Sometimes, yes. Rarely, but sometimes.
Which landmark would you climb if you could?
The St. Louis Arch
Do you own or have you read or thought of reading any self help books?
No
Ever seriously questioned your sanity?
Yes
Can you break-dance?
No
What's in your fridge right now?
A box of water and a bunch of old condiments
How many people do you live with?
None
Have you or would you ever do anything more than kiss in a public area?
Doubtful
What is the strangest thing you've ever done?
I willingly posted nothing but memes for a week straight
Name an instrument you've never played but would like to.
Guitar
Have you ever been on TV or the radio?
Yes
What is the worst thing anyone could ever do to you?
Make me commute by automobile
Are you a fast typer?
Fairly
How high have you counted before getting bored?
I haven't counted for the sake of counting since grade school
Describe how you sleep.
I don't
Are you straight/bi/gay?
Straight
Do you ever do something else while on the computer? If so, what?
Sometimes I also have the TV on
What is the most expensive item you own?
Probably my bike
How about the least expensive?
Dunno. I got a lot of worthless crap.
What's your favorite card game to play?
Euchre
What do you do online?
Besides surf the internets?
Name some stores you've bought clothes in before?
All my clothes are specially tailored
Have you ever read a book and not understood it? If so, which one?
No
Have you ever watched a movie and not understood it? If so, which one?
No
Do you think people pick up your slang language more than you pick up theirs?
No
Are you easily influences by other people or current trends?
No
What makes you unique (in your own opinion)?
There's only one of me
Name your worst quality.
Don't have any
Name your best.
They're all tied for first
What would you like to do with your life?
Answer memes all the time
Do you blow-dry your hair?
No
How many clocks are in your house?
Four
Are they all set at the same time?
No
Have you ever intentionally set a clock ahead or behind the correct time?
Yes
What do you think about when you first wake up in the morning?
Going back to sleep
Which browser do you use?
Firefox
Do you bite your nails?
I try not to
Would you ever leave little notes to your gf/bf?
Yes
Ever been to a farm?
Yes
Tell me about your dream last night.
I don't remember it
Ever seen a shooting star?
Yes
Say one thing about yourself you've never told anyone.
I can't make an elephant lamp
Do your days fly by or seem to last forever?
Both
Have you ever stayed in a fancy, high class, rich hotel?
Yes
Have you ever stayed in a rent-by-the-hour motel?
Yes
What, in your opinion, is the best advertising slogan out there?
Silly Rabbit! Trix are for kids!
When they start sending rockets to the moon for us civilians will you be on the list to go?
No
How are you feeling right now?
Tired
Have you ever written anything on your skin?
Yes
If so what?
Phone number
Which website do you frequent most often?
www.washingtonpost.com
What color is most of your clothes?
Blue
Do you own any plants?
Yes
Are things as bad as they seem?
Yes
Describe the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you.
Put up with my bullshit
Have you ever looked directly at the sun?
Yes
Have you ever made a pin hole camera to watch the eclipse?
Yes
What's your favorite cereal?
Grape Nuts
Who do you miss?
Lots of people
Name something you just cannot forget, no matter how hard you try.
Everything
Describe the worst fight you've ever been in whether physical or verbal.
I kicked the crap out of Ydnar a couple of times.
Say something else about yourself you've never told anyone before.
I answered most of these questions using a magic 8-ball
The Instructions:
Set your music player to shuffle.
List the first line from the first 25 songs that play.
The Lyrics:
I married my wife on the day of the eclipse ...
Gonna write a little letter, gonna mail it to my local DJ ...
Dare a smile ...
I have lost the one I love to someone else ...
I love you, Mama, you sweet ...
Sometimes I don't get you ....
Hey, wake up, your eyes weren't open wide ...
I took her on a simple trip to see her husband's family ...
Broken chairs your body conforms to ...
A New Jersey lady I knew long ago, and she was a lady I say ...
Father may I go so slowly in my own dreams ...
Walking out in the freezing rain ...
If you'll take me back, back to your place ...
I never meant 2 cause U any sorrow ...
Tattoo parlor man's havin' a terrible fight ...
He lost his mind today ...
The plan keeps coming up again ...
Spanish songs in Andalucia, the shooting sites in the days of '39 ...
He was ready for the big trip, he was moving to the city ...
I may say that I don't care, hold my head up in the air ...
Gonna take a freight train, down at the station, Lord ...
Tremor of light, the sky a porcelain wall ...
It's Lisa or Laura, I know not her real name ...
When I first met Doreen she was barely seventeen ...
The wild boys are calling on their way back from the fire ...
The Instructions:
List the first hundred of IMDB's Top 250 user rated movies.
Bold and underline the movies you've seen.
The Movies:
The Godfather (1972)
The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
The Godfather, Part II (1974)
Il Buono, il brutto, il cattivo [The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly] (1966)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Schindler's List (1993)
One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
Star Wars: Episode V - The Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Casablanca (1942)
Star Wars (1977)
Shichinin no samurai [The Seven Samurai] (1954)
12 Angry Men (1957)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Goodfellas (1990)
Rear Window (1954)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Cidade de Deus [City of God] (2002)
C'era un volta il West [Once Upon a Time in the West] (1968)
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
The Usual Suspects (1995)
Psycho (1960)
Fight Club (1999)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
The Silence of the Lambs (1991)
Citizen Kane (1941)
North by Northwest (1959)
Sunset Boulevard (1950)
Memento (2000)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
The Matrix (1999)
Lawrence of Arabia (1962)
Se7en (1995)
Apocalypse Now (1979)
Taxi Driver (1976)
American Beauty (1999)
Léon [The Professional] (1994)
Vertigo (1958)
American History X (1998)
Le Fabuleux destin d'Amélie Poulain [Amélie] (2001)
Paths of Glory (1957)
The Departed (2006)
M (1931)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Chinatown (1974)
The Third Man (1949)
A Clockwork Orange (1971)
Alien (1979)
Das Leben der Anderen [The Lives of Others] (2006)
The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Forrest Gump (1994)
The Shining (1980)
Double Indemnity (1944)
The Pianist (2002)
El laberinto del fauno [Pan's Labyrinth] (2006)
Sen to Chihiro no kamikakushi [Spirited Away] (2001)
Saving Private Ryan (1998)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
Requiem for a Dream (2000)
The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Aliens (1986)
Das Boot [The Boat] (1981)
Reservoir Dogs (1992)
There Will Be Blood (2007)
The Maltese Falcon (1941)
Der Untergang [Downfall] (2004)
No Country for Old Men (2007)
Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)
Raging Bull (1980)
Rashômon (1950)
Metropolis (1927)
Modern Times (1936)
Rebecca (1940)
2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Sin City (2005)
Hotel Rwanda (2004)
All About Eve (1950)
Amadeus (1984)
Some Like it Hot (1959)
La vita è bella [Life is Beautiful] (1997)
The Prestige (2006)
The Great Escape (1963)
City Lights (1931)
Det sjunde inseglet [The Seventh Seal] (1957)
The Elephant Man (1980)
On the Waterfront (1954)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Full Metal Jacket (1987)
Jaws (1975)
The Sting (1973)
Cinema Paradiso (1988)
Once Upon a Time in America (1984)
The Apartment (1960)
The Great Dictator (1940)
Blade Runner (1982)
Braveheart (1995)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
The Instructions:
Answer the following questions.
The Questions:
Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, find line 4. Write down what it says:
... long, or decades - he must move from love to a kind of ...
Stretch your left arm out as far as you can. What do you touch first?
Nothing, the wall is too far away
What is the last thing you watched on TV?
Major League Lacrosse
WITHOUT LOOKING, guess what time it is:
Ten after two
Now look at the clock, what is the actual time?
2:14
With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
My air conditioner
When did you last step outside? what were you doing?
About forty minutes ago, walking home from the movies
Before you came to this website, what did you look at?
www.washingtonpost.com
What are you wearing?
Jeans and a t-shirt
Did you dream last night?
Yes
When did you last laugh?
About two hours ago
What is on the walls of the room you are in?
The Kofi Hous sign, pictures of Johnny Cash and Elvis, and a clock with Elvis on it
Seen anything weird lately?
No
What do you think of this quiz?
It's stupid and I hate it
What is the last film you saw?
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A new bicycle
Tell me something about you that I don't know:
I don't like "questions" that aren't really questions
If you could change one thing about the world, what would you do?
Eliminate the hippie scourge that plagues us
Do you like to dance?
No
Imagine your first child is a girl, what do you call her? a boy?
Hotrod
Would you ever consider living abroad?
Yes
The Instructions:
Take five books off your bookshelf.
Type the first sentence of book #1.
Type the last sentence on page fifty of book #2.
Type the second sentence on page one hundred of book #3.
Type the next to the last sentence on page one hundred fifty of book #4.
Type the final sentence of book #5.
Rearrange the five sentences into a paragraph.
The Paragraph:
The Instructions:
Bold and underline the things you've done.
The Actions:
Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphins
Climbed a mountain
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candlelit bath with someone
Said "I love you" and meant it
Hugged a tree
Done a striptease
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby's diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Taken a sick day when you're not ill
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Enacted a favorite fantasy
Taken a midnight skinny dip
Taken an ice cold bath
Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Loved your job for all accounts
Taken care of someone who was shit-faced
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Had amazing friends
Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Backpacked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Rock climbing
Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
Midnight walk on the beach
Sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
Visited Japan
Benchpressed your own weight
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your records
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Scuba diving
Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
Visited the Great Wall of China
Learned that someone who's not supposed to know about your blog has found it
Dropped Windows in favor of something better
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Sword fought for the honor of a woman
Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Loved someone you shouldn't have
Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
Gotten divorced
Had sex at the office
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news programs as an "expert"
Got flowers for no reason
Masturbated in a public place
Got so drunk you don't remember anything
Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
Performed on stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Seen Siouxsie live
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
Bounced a check
Performed in Rocky Horror
Read - and understood - your credit report
Raised children
Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Created and named your own constellation of stars
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Found out something significant that your ancestors did
Called or written your Congress person
Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
...more than once? - More than thrice?
Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
Had an abortion or your female partner did
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 pounds
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone's heart
Helped an animal give birth
Been fired or laid off from a job
Won money on a T.V. game show
Broken a bone
Killed a human being
Gone on an African photo safari
Ridden a motorcycle
Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had sex on a moving train
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten kangaroo meat
Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
Been a sperm or egg donor
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the newspaper
Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
Gotten someone fired for their actions
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Changed your name
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read The Iliad
Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read
Dined in a restaurant and stolen something because your apartment needed it
...and gotten 86'ed because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Killed and prepared an animal for eating
Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
Skipped all your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
Had to put someone you love into hospice care
Built your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
Had a booth at a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
Written your own role playing game
Been arrested
