the road to wellville
Apropos of nothing.... (Okay, fine - that's a little disingenuous....) Apropos of Jodi being an idiot, here's a ranking of the best breakfast cereals.
Number One (with a bullet). Grape Nuts: There are at least three unique ways that Grape Nuts are delicious. I defy you to find a more versatile cereal. With a little bit of milk, they are pleasantly crunchy. But if you let them sit for twenty minutes or so, they absorb all that milk and become a dense and delicious paste. (And you don't have the annoyance of a puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl.) And if you stick the whole bowl in the microwave for a minute or two... Well, you've got cereal nirvana. When I was a kid, I liked to spoon enough sugar atop my Grape Nuts to approximate the snows of Kilimanjaro, but they are just as tasty on their own. If I had to choose only one cereal for the rest of my life, it would be Grape Nuts.
2. Cap'n Crunch: I'm not even going to make a Cap'n Crook joke here, because Crook can only dream of one day attaining Crunch's lofty heights. Cap'n Crunch is the king (or, I guess, the Cap'n) of the sweet cereals. Number two isn't even close. Crunch succeeds because it doesn't try to be something it isn't. It doesn't taste like anything but Cap'n Crunch. (This is why Peanut Butter Crunch is the red-headed stepchild of the Crunch family, and the less said about Crunch Berries the better.) Sure, it occasionally lacerates the palate; that's a small price to pay for deliciousness. In a pinch, this cereal can be used as percussion.
3. Raisin Bran: Flake cereals - as a rule - really, really suck. And I'm not too crazy about a lot of things that have raisins either. But this is a match made in heaven. The key is that these bran flakes become soggy in milk almost instantaneously. Too many flake cereals try to maintain their structural integrity. Structural integrity is overrated. I want a soggy mass of bran punctuated by the occasional raisin. Also overrated is two scoops of raisins. Post's Raisin Bran kicks Kelloggs' ass.
4. Cracklin' Oat Bran: Talk about your soggy masses of bran. These bran-shaped O's disintegrate into loosely congealed bran particles with the mere hint of milk. They're also really good mixed into yogurt.
5. Alpha Bits: Alpha Bits are basically Lucky Charms without the stupid fucking marshmallows. So this is sort of a case of addition by subtraction. Also - unlike the inferior Lucky Charms (without the marshmallows) - Alpha Bits are shaped like letters, so you can make them into words. As a rule, any breakfast cereal that occasionally swears at me is gonna make my top five.
6. Frosted Mini Wheats: I love shredded wheat, but even better is shredded wheat that's not good for me. Kelloggs probably figured out early on that most people drown their shredded wheat in sugar, so they eliminated the middle man and coated these little wheat pillows with a sugary glaze. But they only did so on half the cereal so they could still pretend this is somewhat good for me. I'm not buying it, which is why I'm buying it.
7. Cookie Crisp: Speaking of pretending to be good for me, that's something with which Cookie Crisp doesn't bother. Tiny chocolate chip cookies for breakfast? Yes, please.
8. Golden Grahams: It's strange - ordinary graham crackers don't much appeal to me, but if you make them spoon-sized and add a lot of sugar and milk, they become delicious. Who knew?
9. Cinnamon Toast Crunch: See Golden Grahams.
10. Life: Mikey likes it. So does Hotrod.
Third to last. Trix: Trix are for kids. 'Nuff said.
Second to last. Froot Loops: Froot Loops aspire to replicate the subtle melange of fruity flavors that is Trix.
Dead last. Fruity Pebbles: Fail.
Comments
I think they're are some misses here, based on your flawed notion that it is an acceptable thing for cereal to become soggy in milk (regular raisin bran, for instance, is beyond vile -- Raisin Nut Bran, however, is like manna from heaven. Weird). Still, overall, some inspired choices, and of course the bottom three is dead on.
I've never heard Brunching Shuttlecocks described as a "humor" site before, but I'll grant that the concept of cereal reviews is an idea with legs. Nevertheless, my list is sound. I've never understood why crunchiness is a desirable quality in cereal but not other comfort foods like mashed potatoes or oatmeal. And I see you're still on about that false prophet called 'nuts.' Nuts don't improve chocolate chip cookies, and they certainly don't improve raisin bran. On the upside - since you like a bunch of extraneous shit in your cereal - I bet Jodi will share her Lucky Charms with you.
But you are correct that Capn' Crunch is tops when it comes to the sweet stuff.
Also, your line about the cereal swearing at you is inspired.
Grape Nuts + fruit yogurt = awesomes.
Fruity Pebbles does not deserve to be called a cereal. Booger flakes with vaguely fruitlike chemical flavoring.
Here's what's wrong with your list.
-You inverted #3 and #10. and #3 should be cinnamon life, not regular.
-Cookie crisp should NOT be in the top ten. They may look like little breakfast cookies, but looks are deceiving. They taste NOTHING like mini chocolate chip cookies.
-You left granola off the list entirely.
-The most aggregious error - "stupid fucking marshmallows" in reference to Lucky Charms. The marshmallows are, bar none, the best part of any cereal. They are delightful. Either in cereal, or consumed alone.
Also, where are the Cheerios? Any list that dismisses the King of Cereal is completely invalid and pointless.
Clearly you've never had cereal marshmallows then. They would never be described as "fluffy". They are crunchy, melt-in-your-mouth tiny blobs of sweetness that far surpass any normal marshmallow. They are divine.
I like Cheerios too, but only when covered with a mountain of sugar or Splenda. Plain Cheerios are for teething one year olds.
And yes, Cheerios need serious help in order to make them palatable. Bananas or strawberries are also acceptable accessories. But no cereal that isn't able to stand on its own makes the top ten.
Well I don't put much stock in the cereal-related opinions of anyone who puts Cookie Crisp on a cereal top ten list.
Cereal marshmallows are awesome. Not just a "slight" improvement over ordinary marshmallows.
Cheerios are great by themselves, but even better with garnish (I like bananas, but raisins and or fresh berries are also great choices).
Me too.
That's not a bad idea. Must have been Ericka's....
Something like Grape Nuts:
Yummy and delicious
Disgusting and vile
pick one!
Do I have to do everything around here?
That's a pretty sorry track record there. That's almost as much wrong as Jodi typically manages to pack into a single comment.
I'm with you on the marshmallows and the Cheerios. I pissed my 2 older sisters off when I was a kid by sneaking into the kitchen and eating every single marshmallow out of the Lucky Charms box. They were left with *mwah MWAHHHHH* the zonk prize. Unlucky charms.
And I have to put sugar on my Cheerios. I love them though, my faves are multigrain. I'd put that at #1 if they weren't so damned expensive.
I am a big fan of Fruity Pebbles (but only for one box every...5 years now I guess). They are like crack.
Rice Krispies get no love here? again...need some sugar.
Grape nuts are gross. *Linda Richman voice* I'll give you a topic: Grape Nuts are neither grapes nor nuts. Discuss. (or...disgust)
Rice Krispie treats and brownies are both awesome, All the more for me.
You had me almost all the way...I love rice krispie treats. But brownies? Ok, I guess, if there's no pie available.
Rice Krispies are ok if a) they are loaded with sugar and b) you can scarf down an entire bowl in 15.4 seconds (at precisely 15.5 seconds they transform into a big mess of soggy goo, and not in a good way. Snap. Crackle. Goo.)
And, I ALWAYS pick all the cereal marshmallows out of the store-brand knock-off Lucky Charms box. My kids hate it! But I've recently found a friend who semi-routinely goes to Amish country in our area, where they sell knock-off cereal marshmallows in bulk! You have no idea how excited I am about this. Saves me the troube of picking through those darn boxes for the good stuff.
Cinnamon Life rules!
Do you have an opinion on Count Chocula? Peanut Butter Crunch? (I apologize if your thoughts on these were revealed in the preceding comments, but I am too lazy to skim through them right now.)
Also, slightly off-topic, do you care for Bugles?
Mmmm....cake batter ice cream. Very tasty. As is plain cake batter. Never tried with cereal marshmallows in it, but it sounds like a match made in heaven!
Hotrod is also totally off base with the Peanut Butter Crunch analysis. I give it two great big thumbs up. Also wrong on Count Chocula. He is (shockingly) right on Bugles.