tom boswell

it's tough, sometimes, being the only marine biologist amongst a group of journalists.  when journalists get together they tend to discuss other journalists and, to a lesser extent, journalism.  i've been known to lash out, which maybe isn't fair, as i apparently asked for it by not surrounding myself with an entourage of like-minded shallow and boring marine biologists.  so to atone, it seems just that i should highlight the work of my friends, of whom i am genuinely proud.  we start tonight with dabysan, who reported the news for washingtonpost.com before he sold out.  he wrote the following words last february, and as far as i am concerned, this ranks among the finest prose and/or journalism ever composed by a human being.

The poor singing world has a new champion today. "High-Note" Hotrod, who last won Karaoke's lowest honor in 2000 -- during the First Annual Karaoke to the Death I -- faced down the most competitive field the contest has ever seen to win Lord Ramsey's Cup.

Only the second competitor of the evening, Hotrod set the tone early when he took the stage to belt out a testicle-shriveling rendition of Kelly Clarkson's "Since U Been Gone." It was Hotrod's most poorly rounded showing to date. From his obvious nervousness on stage, to the insipid source material, to his abject failure to strike anything resembling the appropriate notes in the refrain, the performance was a personal worst for Hotrod, a competitor who was already responsible for some of the lousiest performances of all time.

"I'm throwing down the f***ing gauntlet," Hotrod declared, shortly before clambering onto the stage at Alexandria's Rock It Grill, which has hosted the competition since its inception. "Daby's been wearing that same self-satisfied smirk ever since he took the cup," Hotrod said, referring to defending KttD champion, Dabysan. "I was worse than him then, I'm worse than him now, and this year I'll prove that I. Am. The. Worst. Ever."

Amazingly, however, despite the atrociousness of his first song, Hotrod would need every repulsive note of his second performance in order to claim the championship, the glory and the Ramsey Cup.

Still, Hotrod's opening performance clearly rattled the field. First-time competitor Mehaffey, who preceded Hotrod with a bad-but-not-awful performance of Cheap Trick's "I Want You to Want Me," sat agape as Hotrod tried and failed to hit a note particularly distant from his non-existent vocal "range."

"Wow. Just…wow. I feel like I should go to church, because I'm certain I just heard the soundtrack to Hell, and I never want to hear it again. Should we just give him the cup now?"

Defending champion Dabysan appeared slack-jawed and despondent after Huntzinger's gambit. Confiding to sideline reporter Vanna, Daby voiced his doubts about repeating as champion.

"I've always known Rod was a truly bad singer. If I'm being honest, I have to admit that he's worse than me. It's depressing to watch him up on stage. But I've always felt that Rod was unwilling, and maybe unable to leave it all out on the table in his quest for the cup. His cautiousness has been my advantage. But this … this was just soul-crushingly wretched. He finally showed up and proved to us all just how bad he is," Dabysan said. "I just hope I can come up with an answer."

El Cap-E-Tan, one of the early favorites in the competition, was so shaken at the thought of having to follow Huntzinger's performance that he clearly tanked his own attempt to sing Blondie's "Call Me," violating KttD's oldest and most hallowed commandment: "you must try your best."

Cap'n, who would never be a factor in the balloting, later admitted to Vanna that he froze under the pressure of having to follow Hotrod's craptacular display. "I know its wrong, but I needed a little extra. I was still hurting from having to listen to Rod. I needed my performance to suck even worse than it would have under normal circumstances. I accept full responsibility. I'll come back worse than ever next year."

Soon, Dabysan himself took the stage for his title defense. The song couldn't have been a more painful choice. From the outset, it became clear that Daby would be struggling (and failing miserably) throughout the long song to reach the high notes that Boston's Bradley Delp sings throughout the band's masterpiece "More than a Feeling." At one point several latecomers walked into the venue and were seen immediately covering their ears.

Yet as atrocious as Dabysan was, it seemed clear that his valiantly poor bid for a repeat had fallen short of the new lows reached by the frontrunner Hotrod. After former champion Doc Paradox failed to transcend Hotrod's putrescence with his own, admittedly vile rendition of Melissa Manchester's "Don't Cry Out Loud," it looked like Hotrod might win in a cakewalk.

The first hint of trouble for High Note came in the form of one Emma Peel, long a favorite to become the first-ever woman to claim Lord Ramsey's Cup. Her atonal, arrhythmic, off-key performance of Wham's "Wake Me Up, Before You Go-Go," was a shot directly across Hotrod's bow, as she moved into the lead on some balloters scorecards.  

It got worse for Hotrod when newcomer Dre flailed and wailed her way through an impressively painful rendition of Madonna's "Like a Prayer." It was a performance in which she missed several vocal cues, inadvertently wandered through numerous (incorrect) keys and maintained a fevered dance routine throughout."

Hotrod's iron grip on the lead appeared to be slipping away as large contingencies cast their support behind either Peel or Dre. Although Hotrod and the other frontrunners dodged a bullet when KttD IV champion Soo Doh Nim sucked less badly than expected in his singing of Prince's "Darling Nikki," and again when perpetual contender Mwaanga stayed disappointingly on key in his version of Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again," the biggest threat of the night was yet to come, and from a challenger no one expected.

When Peter Al took the stage to perform Chris De Burgh's "Lady in Red" no one paid much attention. A total newcomer to the KttD stage, Al came from outside the sport's cutthroat inner circle, an environment where champions are bred. All the same, it took Al only a few quavering, sibilant lines (in a shockingly unpleasant monotone) to earn the full attention of the KttD faithful.

The look of triumph Hotrod had worn since his championship turn on stage faded to mute terror, as tournament veterans exchanged frightened glances. Al was clearly uncomfortable on stage, rocking back in forth, caught up in his own little world as he earnestly attempted to sing the song, which, at its best, is a painful listen.

This was not its best.

Before Al had stepped down from the stage, popular opinion was shifting strongly in his direction. "Good lord, that was terrible," Peel said, shaking her head. "I know it's strange for the cup to go to an outsider, but he's clearly something special."

Hotrod remained externally defiant, but it was clear that he'd been blindsided by Al's stunning display. After it was all over he'd admit how terrifying Al's performance had been.

"I really thought I was home free," Hotrod said, shaking his head. "Dabysan, Mwaanga, Doc, Emma, Cap'n AND Soo -- I had beaten them all. And then from out of nowhere comes this rookie, and my world is collapsing around me."

Though backing for Hotrod remained strong among the huge, personal cheering section that he'd recruited for the event (a potential scandal in the making, had not his winning performance been so atrociously bad) popular support had clearly shifted to the fresh-faced youngster Al.

Hotrod knew what he had to do. The determination was apparent on his face has he took the stage for his second and final performance of the night. He knew that this one would have to be special.

Observers would later remark that they couldn't think of a sound occurring in nature that resembled Hotrod's sickening tone throughout the bulk of Duran Duran's "Wild Boys." All agreed that this was a very good thing. Suffice to say, if one were to put the performance on a recorded loop and play it back to jailed members of Al Qaeda, it would make Abu Ghraib look like Euro Disney.

A few competitors took second shots at the crown, including a desperate Dabysan, who mangled Foreigner's "I Want to Know What Love Is," in a last ditch effort to hold onto the cup.

In the end however, the scars Hotrod had left with his wholly inadequate voice were too deep and he won by a comfortable margin over runner-up Al.

"This is the greatest day of my life," Hotrod said, just after placing a loathsome smooch on the cup's filthy base. "I've always known that I was a truly abysmal singer, trapped in am awful singer's body."

thanks daby, that's some top-notch reporting there.  and thanks go to the cap'n, who so eloquently reminds us that less than only four months remain until the Seventh Annual Karaoke to the Death VII.  it's gonna be february 18, 2007.  save the date.